"Oz Never Did Give Nothing To The Tin Man, That He Didn't, Didn't Already Have...." Mental Ramblings.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have a lot of things going on in my life right now and I guess that has me in one of my 'deep reflection' modes. Right now my mind is stuck on the TinMan. What made him decide to follow the advice of a fool with no brain and a chick who was lost? He was already better off than those two- he had a brain and knew just where the hell he was. He was better off without that heart. As a matter of fact, one of the very first things he said after getting the heart was speaking through his tear as he said goodbye to Dorothy, "Now I know I have a heart, because I can feel it breaking." Yeah......... that's what hearts do, they break by our disappoints or we allow them to be broken others. Is the amount that a heart feels/receives love worth the amount that it feels PAIN? The TinMan was minding his own, I suppose going through the motions of every day-to-day while all the while longing for a heart. That's human nature I suppose, always longing for that which we lack. (or think we lack) How was he to know that the one thing he didn't have, could be such a painful thing to have. People with big, generous, loving hearts are the most vulnerable to pain, disappointment, and heart-ache. And sadly, it's often the people closest to us, the ones we love the most, that inflict this pain. Our heart-ache can even by caused by pain we have inflicted on others. It doesn't matter if it's friendship, relationship, or familial love- it's all subject to the same. I often envy people who are callous and and in-different and who can walk away from foolishness without the caution of heart-strings roping them back in. Once again I'm being sarcastic- nothing new there. I'm grateful to be a loving, caring person. I'm grateful that I know what love is and have been shared love with. I just get tired from the tight-rope walk of when to be open, opening up just enough- but not too much, who to let in, and who to keep the hell out, etc... I am tired of all the second guessing and guarded security of matters of the heart. I just want to love and be loved in return, without all that........... EXTRA. S.O.A.P.

Sinners Have Soul Too..... Insomniac Ramblings....

"Can't sleep at night and you wonder why Maybe God is trying to tell you something Crying all night long, something's gone wrong Maybe God is trying to tell you something Oh, you can't sleep at night and you sure wonder why Maybe god is trying to tell you something"--- GOD IS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING, The Color Purple ~ In the past three weeks, I've had maybe three decent night's worth of sleep. It's after 4:30am now and I've given up even trying to get some sleep. I wonder if maybe God is trying to tell me something. I wonder if the increasing insomnia is my subconscious' way of avoiding what would haunt my mind in my sleep. I'm wide awake most of the night, and in the day I'm beyond exhausted. I manage to keep up with all that I have to do each day and even my outward appearance masks what's going on on the inside. Looks can be so deceiving - on the inside I'm the walking dead. Yet when night falls again, I get an hour or a few hours if I'm lucky, then once again.... the vicious insomnia cycle starts again. Maybe it's my body's way of pushing me to deal with things I'm avoiding dealing with??? Perhaps my body is not going to allow me to rest until some situations in my life are taken care of. I'm certain God is trying to tell me something. I think I've been afraid to hear it even though I'm positive I already know both the question and the solution. I know my legs are far too short to outrun this Messenger. ~ "Sinners have SOUL too." Apparently, mine needs to listen and do, so that it can get some much needed rest. SOAP ~